By, Julie
Huisjen, BS, IBCLC, RLC
How many
times have we heard it? “If you don’t
wean your baby, he will never get off the breast!” “He will be in kindergarten and STILL
breastfeeding if you don’t wean him!” Or
maybe you’ve heard even worse: “you’re STILL breastfeeding?!” “When they are old enough to ask for it, they
are too old!” Or worse still: “Ew! Gross!”
These negative comments imply that a child is not capable of stopping
breastfeeding on his own, it is something we must do to him.
We live in
such a confusing culture. There is so
much pressure for new mothers to breastfeed, yet there is not enough
support. Mothers are criticized for not
breastfeeding at all, yet if you do breastfeed, you are criticized for breastfeeding
too long! It can seem like you are never
doing it right.
Having
successfully breastfed and weaned all four of my children, I can assure you
that they all do eventually wean. They
may not do it on your timetable or in the way you thought, but they all do
outgrow the need and desire to breastfeed on their own.
Humans are
biologically programmed to breastfeed and do so for a time measured in
years. This can be surprising
information in our culture, but it is supported by evidence-based information
as well as thousands of years of human existence. Rest assured, you are not doing anything
wrong by continuing to meet your child’s needs at your breast into the toddler
and preschool+ years. So what does
natural weaning look like? Or better, what
does normal/ biological breastfeeding look like?
Ask any
mother who has breastfed past infancy why she does it, and she will likely tell
you that it is a great way to calm a fussy toddler, fix a “boo boo,” reconnect
at the end of the day, provide superior nutrition and antibodies, get some
sleep. The needs of the child change and
breastfeeding remains a constant lighthouse in the stormy sea of life. Study after study shows that children who
have their needs met and have a strong connection to a primary caregiver are
more independent later. Breastfeeding is
our primal way to connect with our children.
When allowed, our children are capable of deciding for themselves when
their needs have been met, or not.
Learning to trust our children to make these decisions for themselves is
one of the greatest gifts breastfeeding can give to us, as mothers.
A natural
weaning will typically occur after two years of age. The child will gradually reduce
breastfeeding, sometimes holding onto the last breastfeeding of the day, or the
first one in the morning for quite some time.
Children can continue to nurse once or twice a day, sometimes skipping a
day or two, for many weeks or months.
“Don’t offer, don’t refuse” is wonderful advice from La Leche League and
allows the child to take the lead. This
is a great time to communicate your desires to your child. An older child can understand that “we don’t
nurse at the park anymore” or “I am busy right now, but we can nurse in five
minutes.” A toddler’s need to breastfeed
is not usually as urgent as an infant’s.
There are
two books that I often recommend to mother’s seeking information on
weaning. One is “How Weaning Happens” by Diane Bengson and the other is
“Mothering Your Nursing Toddler” by Norma Jane Bumgarner. There are great support groups online, and La
Leche League meetings are wonderful places to get support in person (and
sometimes the only place a mother can feel supported for breastfeeding past our
cultural “norm.”) I have talked to
thousands of mothers over the years, including grandmothers. I have never heard from a grandmother who
wishes she wouldn’t have breastfed, but most of them say that they wish they
would have breastfed longer. I tell new
mothers, “you can’t breastfeed too much” and this applies to all children,
whether they are newborns or toddlers. If
you are a mother who is breastfeeding your child and are conflicted about
weaning, seek out support, follow your heart, and trust your child. It will happen!
